Loneliness please take over me…
It is Saturday, pretty close to midnight my usual time to enter the club. After time and time over; everything is just ‘I don’t care anymore’. Crowded than ‘hell’; assuming as if ‘paradise’ is still with any space above. Some new faces; some usual faces; usual only till the time the lights are off; fancy lasers are on and high spirits keeping them high! Winning my spot in the overcrowded; over desperate to get high crowd. There is nothing new; the same waiter; the same action; the same spirits to get into the grove. The combined odour and aroma of smoke and ‘hooka’ mixed with toggling lights and heart pumping music. Sinner I feel; elated I see myself!
Me no different than the disunite of the infernal. Spirits in one; ash building stick; in the other hand; heart throbbing music. It is nearly 3’o clock in the morning and no sign of squaring off; the night still seems young. Blood shot eyes; unfermented air requesting lungs; loosening up of body parts and the beats starts taking over. The lyrics make their way out from the speakers….
life is a beautiful thing
life feeling deep inside
its so shiny so true yeah.
what im wanting life is only to be free
feel so free
feel so free ye ye……. – oceans four ft. adam clay
Finally heart pumping blood, now music is a distant cry of an ant to the ears of a human race. The movements of speakers are visible but not audible; the crowd turned herd to the spirits; dancing away to glory; seen from the eyes, but not imprinted to the brain anymore. At last; can hear my heart beating; alive; there just there; bliss to realise its existence; infinitum felicity that my heart is still beating! Mission accomplished I can live; I can live without her; live without her existence; intervention, touch, fragrance, austere beauty, memories and still my heart can beat! Yes I can live without her.
Blank….. Realisation of time was insignificant; and to move away from the thoughts; the thoughts of Leela was like walking on air. But fate the sadist could not see me happy for long. Gushing came her thoughts back into my head as if a hurricane in the open fields; with nothing strong enough to stop her. It was time for me to move. The valet had the courtesy to wait for me till I settle in my car, bits and pieces of my driving I remember. Air running through my temples and mass water body in front of my eyes I stood. Looking at the sky; the heavenly stars made fun of me pointing my faults; my failure forming shapes and moon seemed too disinterested to intervene to salve me.
The thoughts running in my head; took the shape of classic movie, with the print and sound of monochrome movies. Sheetal had helped me to meet Leela; obviously turning the world upside down I made my space in her life; though I had thought that I have lit a lamp in her heart. Time had no value; it only made a difference on her existence. It changed without any meaning. I used to be there three hours before my college to start, my day with her; and bunk classes just to say a goodbye. Sadly the cupid had only struck me in the true sense and obsession for her.
I was losing it; going out of the way was the least that could have been said. I only walked the way that would lead me to Leela. Friends realised tried to warn me; but the cupid can work wonders and make you blind with perfect eyesight. I was off to….. and the siren with rough voice suddenly asking my reason of existence at this hour; at this place. In due minutes before I could settle; it blessed me with some more of emptiness, blank state of mind which I wanted it to take over me completely.