The screams….

Chapter III

Late night, closed eyes; calm stochasticity sound of water; cool breeze blowing through my temples. Head falling behind, no land beneath my feet; hands stretched back on the palisade of the lake. Nature’s soothing muzak flirting in my ear drums.  Paradise I could feel; away from the besieged forces of the world. Lost from the world and found peace with myself. It was just terrific until the cops had to arrive!

Is it really that difficult to understand that one can just enjoy the nature without any mens rea? I did not have the time; or the energy; or the intentions of explaining me to anybody. Back in my moving cave; my dark world; far away from the external fulgent lights trying to penetrate me; tying every bit to make me feel transparent and nonexistent. All I wanted was to make some midget space; that I exist; that I do, in this furiously vast planet!

‘I exist’ was a shattering dream buried and unburied repeatedly since me drawn a blank. Head splitting headache; eyes too exhausted but sleepless. Nothing did any better; intoxicant was not toxic anymore; ashes piled were heavy enough not to be blown out by twisters. Head banging music did not reach; to the ears; the difference between street light and disco lights was undifferentiated. The only despairing sound screaming again and again in my ears was of ‘Leela’!

I did not budge; my ego of supreme importance; my trust on her, into pieces; my guilt enmeshed to give back exactly what I had got; made me no different from her. Embryonic was my soul to face the bitter truth of this world. Liaison made her unworthy and liaison made me no different than her. The screams calling me over again to forgive; to ensue togetherness; for a gamble to enliven again; again was not an option for me. Nay only to say because of the trust broken but because of the guilt on my psyche could not make me; supernal anymore.

The demon is always there to help you with a quick fix; with an easy way; with hedonistic roads to temp halo. Only with temp halo’s; the weight was too much too carry and destination looked too far! I needed to reduce the weight instead; I asked to join hands to carry the load. The journey seemed a cake walk at start and thorns were the pity price to pay for the roses. Oblivious to the foreseeable future; which was time and again enigmatically trying to explain; that there are no free lunches, the weight being shared is only before; more weight would be heaped on me. The time was near to face the music.

I thought the state of entirety would be achieved with ease and honest intentions; blanking out the fact; that to clap you need two hands. The intentions and honest juxtapositions together are immaterial when it is only one; in the group of two. The screams unhurried; unburied themselves time and time again; the screams from ‘Leela’ but I had moved to far and she had moved too fast.  The screams took over the beautiful melody personified with selfish motives. It felt like an errata from the heavens above; only to ignore the worldly frailty below.

The screams took over; the screams for longevity that did not serve; the screams for happiness when recalled only made me unhappy; the screams which is obfuscated to the core for certainty; the screams that just did not end…..

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14 responses to “The screams….”

  1. Pamela says:

    I suggest adding a facebook like button for the blog!

  2. Thats good, your blog is cool, i like it. Thanks for the efforts my friend.

  3. --- says:

    wanted to share this :

    Some strange emptiness, an unfathomable urge, some unrealistic expectations and an infernal pain in essence signifies loneliness..
    What lies in the loneliness is a feeling that cannot be elucidated. The worst comes into play when the loneliness somehow ends, how do you deal with it?
    Loneliness makes you so habituated to yourself that moving out of the shell; the protective wall that took years to build seems unattainable. That sinking feeling which sets the premise for something unitary, something single can never be replaced. The bond that causes this loneliness often leaves behind a trail of habits, adaptations and memories. These primarily cause the unitary soul to rewind and relive those unions. These are instrumental in hindering the loner to come out of the fantasy ,to live in the moment, to stop spooling back in time .
    The entire picture seems perfect when in ‘la la land’. Loneliness builds a life around itself; a life we expected but never achieved. A space where we are happy with our dreams our expectations, a space where everything non-existent is present.
    This space when invaded by any being seems to be irritating to the irrational idea that is not factual. We still live in the fantasy world, envisaging a similar life and expecting things to fall in place per say .but when reality strikes, it’s like a slow poison tricking down bit by bit and making it difficult to either live or die.
    You feel stuck in between the actually reality & your own reality. You are still not ready to take a plunge into the real world , still not ready to move out of your cocoon .you are still living the life revolving around loneliness. You are still not out of it.
    What lies beneath is the difficult phase of life ,where you are spilt in between false expectations ,expecting past life to merge with the present one .In this transitional phase ,you often tend to ignore what you have .However beautiful a picture may be ,but it can’t be appreciated by a visually impaired. Same stands true n this case. You are just not ready to see what you have, you are still living in denial, living in your cocoon.
    Life moves on, shuttling between what you expected & what you got. But that feeling of being stuck is something which never lets you get pleasure from either lives.
    You feel like screaming out loud, trying to fathom the entire situation. But it never comes, the conclusion never comes. You neither live nor die. You tend to mislay what you presently have and then life webs a new cob; again you start building a new desire around the present one.
    Loneliness prevails even in the crowd; some strange emptiness, an unfathomable urge, some unrealistic expectations and an infernal pain.

    • Aniket Jha says:

      Thank you for you comment it is immense importance to be and not to be!

      • -- says:

        ‘to be or not to be ‘ well said , whenver you fall apart , whatever hurt someone has caused you ,always remember you may not get back all those moments and feelings..but that should not stop you from making new one , feel again , love again , live again 🙂 cheers !!!

        • Aniket Jha says:

          Why would somebody want all those moments back? Once if the other person can back-stab no matter how much I trust the other person. I would have tiny doubt always in my heart that I can get hurt again. Never commit the same mistake twice and secondly One should move on only when the earlier debts are cleared not to make more grave debts in life Cheers!!!

          • -- says:

            exactlly my point , stop living in the past.
            its just like a computer hardisk where to feed in new data we need to erase the earlier one 🙂 cheers !!

          • Aniket Jha says:

            It is a piece of fiction that starts from love deprived, as Prithvi he has his own share of world to tell you cheers!!!

  4. Very nice article and straight to the point. I am not sure if this is actually the best place to ask but do you people have any thoughts on where to hire some professional writers? Thx 🙂

  5. Doris says:

    This is the right blog for anyone who wants to find out about this topic. You realize so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that I actually would want…HaHa). You definitely put a new spin on a topic thats been written about for years. Great stuff, just great!
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