Late night, closed eyes; calm stochasticity sound of water; cool breeze blowing through my temples. Head falling behind, no land beneath my feet; hands stretched back on the palisade of the lake. Nature’s soothing muzak flirting in my ear drums. Paradise I could feel; away from the besieged forces of the world. Lost from the world and found peace with myself. It was just terrific until the cops had to arrive!
Is it really that difficult to understand that one can just enjoy the nature without any mens rea? I did not have the time; or the energy; or the intentions of explaining me to anybody. Back in my moving cave; my dark world; far away from the external fulgent lights trying to penetrate me; tying every bit to make me feel transparent and nonexistent. All I wanted was to make some midget space; that I exist; that I do, in this furiously vast planet!
‘I exist’ was a shattering dream buried and unburied repeatedly since me drawn a blank. Head splitting headache; eyes too exhausted but sleepless. Nothing did any better; intoxicant was not toxic anymore; ashes piled were heavy enough not to be blown out by twisters. Head banging music did not reach; to the ears; the difference between street light and disco lights was undifferentiated. The only despairing sound screaming again and again in my ears was of ‘Leela’!
I did not budge; my ego of supreme importance; my trust on her, into pieces; my guilt enmeshed to give back exactly what I had got; made me no different from her. Embryonic was my soul to face the bitter truth of this world. Liaison made her unworthy and liaison made me no different than her. The screams calling me over again to forgive; to ensue togetherness; for a gamble to enliven again; again was not an option for me. Nay only to say because of the trust broken but because of the guilt on my psyche could not make me; supernal anymore.
The demon is always there to help you with a quick fix; with an easy way; with hedonistic roads to temp halo. Only with temp halo’s; the weight was too much too carry and destination looked too far! I needed to reduce the weight instead; I asked to join hands to carry the load. The journey seemed a cake walk at start and thorns were the pity price to pay for the roses. Oblivious to the foreseeable future; which was time and again enigmatically trying to explain; that there are no free lunches, the weight being shared is only before; more weight would be heaped on me. The time was near to face the music.
I thought the state of entirety would be achieved with ease and honest intentions; blanking out the fact; that to clap you need two hands. The intentions and honest juxtapositions together are immaterial when it is only one; in the group of two. The screams unhurried; unburied themselves time and time again; the screams from ‘Leela’ but I had moved to far and she had moved too fast. The screams took over the beautiful melody personified with selfish motives. It felt like an errata from the heavens above; only to ignore the worldly frailty below.
The screams took over; the screams for longevity that did not serve; the screams for happiness when recalled only made me unhappy; the screams which is obfuscated to the core for certainty; the screams that just did not end…..