Chapter 7: The good old memories
Leela’s next birthday was round the corner with me, but I had something else altogether planned for her. Her college got over, got a bunch of friends, the ones in her so called group and my few left friends. I took her to the lake, well actually lot of us together took her for small little drive. What would a guy do? Taking the girl on the lake with 14 odd people, well I proposed her, in front of our own little world. I kneeled, chocolates, flowers an innocent, inquisitive face I asked her. “Will you marry me?” the answer took a lot of time. Yes a lot of time after I don’t know for how many long seconds I was kneeling she said “Yes” that is it.
To understand the importance of time you need to stand on the door outside the washroom when you really wanna pee. You can understand every second, it seems like hours, and for the person inside every minute is like seconds. But that is all I got in return a plain simple yes. Later in life when we fought over things, this was also one of the points that all it was a plain simple yes, with no emotions and no feelings. She had an answer or rather reasons for this too “How can you expect me any surprise when I knew it, why we are going there, what is going to happen? There is nothing like a surprise, or rather it was just so obvious”
My friends and I were happier about the whole thing rather than her. I was left with hardly any friends around because all my plans and schedules were according to her. Her very whimsy mood swings got me in tight situations with my friends, a number of times and then slow and steadily my friends backed out and stopped calling me at the end. Friends had become acquaintances. It was all Leela; all the time, my friends were actually chosen by her. I like them I don’t like them obviously the ones she did not approve off went down the drain. I really allowed her to do that.
I did not ask of reasons initially, but when it came down to anybody and everybody. I had to ask her what is the problem? for which I had to go through a lot of ‘emotional attyachar’ first and then lame reasons. Like really gross ones. ‘When you were not around he was trying to act friendly with me, She that female is a so down market and she was glazing at you all the time during the talk, doesn’t have taste at all etc. etc.’ Things just kept going on and then it was like as if, she had the remote control to handle me and my moments of the day. Also the irony was I did not ask about her every minute, every second activity. Now giving up everything and living a life on tips of her finger, that is what it had got down too. If that was enough, she had to complain about that too; you are not interested in me anymore.
I was huh! Where did this come from? The answer was you are not bothered about where I am? What am I doing? Or anything it is always me who is worried and thinking about you. You just don’t bother anymore! What the …….on the top of this I consoled her, heard her out, tried to explain nothing of that sort is happening and I am genuinely interested and I still love you lots and all the possible melodrama things I could come up with. My one mistake of saying I still love you took another reason for her to complain. She was still in the sense you not planning to stick with me anymore you thinking of moving one.
I had doubt on that b….Payal the female just tries to get on you all the time, she just brightens up when you are around I have caught her watching you a number of times. I knew she had a crush on you, but you too thinking about her aren’t it too much over the board to say the least! I was tired, exhausted and could not, just could not explain her any more. I said “Payal is your own friend, what is wrong with you? Where did she come into the picture, we were talking something else and why you bringing her in between I said “I still love you, that is meant that I have been loving you all the while and I am still in love you”
So now you are going to defend that cheap slut in front of me. I said “it is enough” I left and had came back home. It was difficult to explain Leela anything anymore. By the time I got back home I had 20 odd missed calls. I didn’t pick up or reply any and then this crazy chain of calling started up. I vividly remember that night she just kept calling and calling and calling and calling. Till morning 4 o’clock just kept calling and after cutting the calls and everything that I tried, she just kept calling. I couldn’t sleep obviously with so much of unwanted shit happening around. I had 383 missed calls I wished to switch of the phone, when I tried to doing that she called on the land line to save my ass I had to pick up the landline and keep it away in the night.
The next call I picked it up and said what is it? She said I am sorry. I lost all hopes with myself and her; you called up so many times to say this. What is wrong with you? Why are you losing it all the time? Why are you connecting me and Payal? I said the wrong thing again. So don’t see that I have been awake all night calling you to say sorry but you are bothered about Payal even now. Were you expecting her call, or you have been talking to her all night on the landline of yours because it was engaged. I was too exhausted to say anything. I heard her cribbing on the phone and with phone on I just dozed off.
Obviously for that also there was another round of nagging to happen, but then I was not bothered anymore. Rather all these events just made me insensitive for her. I knew I do something or I don’t anything I would have to listen to all the nagging on this earth so I just went into the desensitised state.
The learning which is difficult to understand is, when the transition from loads of friends to few friends and then to no friends happen. You really don’t come to know until you are left with none. I realised very late that I am left with no friends. Leela on the other hand had all her friends. The ones I liked the ones I didn’t like and the ones which I could not stand but for that she had reasons and only reasons and formalities and stuff but in totality I lost on friends and love all together without the sense of losing it all. Later that too acted against me, as the act of God, you don’t have your own friends, you don’t have any of your own life and you want me to give up my friends, my life, my way of living and looking at things.
“Love is blind, deaf and dumb” Ashish had told me only if I would have understood that it was as much as for Roma similarly it was as much as for me. Love it is!